I Am, After All, Only Human
Humanity.
What a strange word.
humanity
\Hu*man"i*ty\, n.; pl. Humanities. [L. humanitas: cf. F. humanit['e]. See Human.] 1. The quality of being human; the peculiar nature of man,
by which he is distinguished from other beings.
Such is humanity as defined by www.dictionary.com. By which he is distinguished from other beings. If only that was true in a good sense. Go watch Dogville. It will reveal the side of human nature better kept unrevealed. Morality will be shaken. You will soon see that humanity is separated from everything else by a fine line. And you don't know when that line is going to blur...
Frankly speaking, i find that more often than not, people tend to show their true nature only when you get to know them. Sadly, sometimes the person whom you think would stick by your side is also the one who will stick a knife in your back. How vicious is it, that we pass judgment on someone the moment we see him, before we even know him, and only when we know his real character do we realise it is too late to remove the stigma? How cruel are we, to condemn and feel distaste for others just because we believe we are "superior"? That word disgusts me. Yuck. When used in that context it becomes something you would expect to find restricted in the dumpster of experimental beauty cream gone horribly awry.
How ironic is it, that in a society where we demand to be in other humans' company, we somehow remain incredulously selfish? Where we seek the constant approval of others, how can we still afford to behave uncaringly and ignorantly? How incredibly tiring is it, to just help our fellow humans a little along their way? Would it hurt to smile more, or would it tarnish that carefully crafted image of self-adoration? Think twice, nay, thrice, before you condemn others. Jokes are not a problem, but if you feel the joke as your believed perception of them, then you are just another victim of humanity. You will be just as lowly as you perceived them, because your narrowmindedness is your ultimate downfall.
Millions upon millions of humans have died, by our own hands. We have started wars against humans, persecuted and executed, wronged and oppressed, hated and jeered, punished and tormented, massacred and decimated, destroyed and annihilated. We have practically eliminated everything for the sake of ourselves, from animals to trees to insects to environments and even Earth. We have invented and discovered so many countless ways of ending lives, and yet we are selfish enough to fear mortality. God must have some sense of humour.
Now we have to ask ourselves, how humane is all that? Oh, it is very humane. only a human is capable of something like that. No other animal kills as wantonly as the human. No other creature inflicts such mental and psychological pain like the human. No other being can possess a hate for another so great. It is the peculiar nature of man,
by which he is distinguished from other beings.
If humanity is a measure of our true nature, then all i can say is that we are terrific. Yes, terrific. we terrify. Beyond that which is necessary. We subjugate anything and everything, even our own kind. It is the quality of being human. It is humanity.
I will, however, always see the best in everyone, initially, because i have to believe that not every human is without hope of redemption. I'll only decide the stigma when your facade fails, and your vulnerability, your humanity, by which you are distinguished from other beings, is laid bare for judgment. If you are so intent on practising the dark side of humanity, then i will show you how humane i can be. I am, after all, only human.
Depression
I cannot always explain why i feel the way i feel. this must be one of those times. how can i seek to bring understanding to others if i cannot understand myself? it is one of the unfathomables. perhaps i was never meant to understand myself. sometimes we need others to point out things about ourselves that we somehow fail to see.
Maybe that is the reason why i am in such a deep blue funk that i cannot seem to shake. the one person i am looking for, the one who can decipher, who can unravel my twisted mind, is the one that i just cannot seem to find. so perrenially confused am i. everytime i think i have found that special person it turns out to be another dead end, a cut-off, a sheer cliff face that i cannot scale or am about to fall off.
Why do i inflict such torment and abuse on myself? what do i hope to achieve by doing this? when will this suffering end? more unfathomables. more are always appearing faster than i can figure out the answer. such is the myterious way of Life.
Depression. jealousy. rage. random acts of violence. voyeurism. vagabond lifestyle. marauding. wanton destruction. thoughts of heroism unattainable. deafening silence. suppressed screams. pent-up hatred. futility. inevitability. destiny. extremism. dystopia. utopia lost and found. fantasy. reality. fight or flight. everything or nothing. ignorance. transparency. ubiquity. ominosity. virtuosity. collateral. one or all. damage unrefutable. pain eternal. wounds so deep they never show. chaos. terrific terror. Life hereafter. Death demystified.
All these deranged thoughts playing in my head over and over and over like a broken recorder stuck at the track of insanity, leeching whatever rationalism i hold so dear. if only you understood. would Life be any different if you knew? would anything change, or would it be the same threesome of me, myself and i once more. not that it matters. i've never had anyone who understood. no one probably will. so be it. it looks like it is best to leave me be, and detonate along with the rest of my sorry existence.
Don't follow me. i chose this path a long time ago. be it a gift or a curse, you deserve better. expression is not one of my more outstanding qualities. so be it. it is my choice. my decision.
Life. As You See Fit.
It appears that everywhere i look, there is always one thing that keeps coming back to me. Everyone i know seems to hate it in one way or the other. If not then they're just plain pissed at it. They hate Life, or the lack of it. Life sucks, they say. JC life sucks, they say. Might as well just exist through it, right? After all, it's only two years, yes?
Wrong. Maybe people hate Life because it's just so damn boring. Maybe it's because Life isn't what people think it should be, or could be, or would be. Maybe it's because others are making Life so unbearable and hopeless. Maybe it's because of a million little miseries internal and intangible. Maybe it's bigger than that. Maybe there's just so many things people want to do but just can't and it really wants to make them scream and explode and obliterate the rest of this sorry world along with them. I could come up with a million more Maybes, but i'll let you fill in the blanks.
I don't know who reads this, or who i'm trying to impress, or even if i can impress in the first place. I'm not seeking to change anyone's point of view to my own, just as long as you read this, my work here is done. I don't know so many things it's frightening. All i know is that i'm tired of seeing people put others down by putting themselves down.
I'm no shrink(psychiatrist, for those who don't know), i'm no prophet, i'm no saint, i'm no philosopher, i'm no expert on Life management, i'm no motivational speaker. I'm so many Nos i can't even begin to count. If you think i'm way over my head in this then thank you for thinking so. Frankly speaking i don't even consider myself that worthy. But what i can tell you, is that despite all the Nots i am, there is one thing i am certain of. I am one of You. And You are one of Me. I may not be like You, and You may not be like Me, or maybe You don't even like Me, but whatever it is, You are not Alone. Because Everyone Else is going through the same shit as You, and Me.
Is it not ironic, that the very thing we hate is the one thing that is giving us the ability to do so? Why have Life, if the recepients are the ones who wish they never had it in the first place? Why not kill every single damn sod on the face of this Earth and let the monkeys and gorillas and chimpanzees rule, and let any intelligent Life out there lament at the realisation that they are truly all alone in the whole Universe?
Because Life is not all that it's cut out to be. Not everything about Life is perfect, yes, but neither is everything about Life full of crap. I don't know why people are born pessimists. Everything about people is about the bad stuff. They tend to remember the stumbles more than the truimphs. Anything that really holds a place in people's minds are all the bad memories. WHY? Time to wake up and pull your face out of that pile of shit. Stop wallowing in self-pity. Smell the flowers, or stomp on them, or eat them for all i care, whatever takes your fancy.
Holmes once said, "Life is painting a picture, not doing a sum." As long as you are doing what you want to do, and not what you are expected to do, then Life is one step closer to becoming all that better. Life is not about following others. It's about following yourself. If you feel that you need a break, then for God's sake, take a break. You aren't going to do any better chugging through two years in JC. For all you know, you may have stayed on the right track but taken the wrong train.
Its about Time to make things better for yourself. So go ahead, Life's waiting for you to happen.