Depression
I cannot always explain why i feel the way i feel. this must be one of those times. how can i seek to bring understanding to others if i cannot understand myself? it is one of the unfathomables. perhaps i was never meant to understand myself. sometimes we need others to point out things about ourselves that we somehow fail to see.Maybe that is the reason why i am in such a deep blue funk that i cannot seem to shake. the one person i am looking for, the one who can decipher, who can unravel my twisted mind, is the one that i just cannot seem to find. so perrenially confused am i. everytime i think i have found that special person it turns out to be another dead end, a cut-off, a sheer cliff face that i cannot scale or am about to fall off.
Why do i inflict such torment and abuse on myself? what do i hope to achieve by doing this? when will this suffering end? more unfathomables. more are always appearing faster than i can figure out the answer. such is the myterious way of Life.
Depression. jealousy. rage. random acts of violence. voyeurism. vagabond lifestyle. marauding. wanton destruction. thoughts of heroism unattainable. deafening silence. suppressed screams. pent-up hatred. futility. inevitability. destiny. extremism. dystopia. utopia lost and found. fantasy. reality. fight or flight. everything or nothing. ignorance. transparency. ubiquity. ominosity. virtuosity. collateral. one or all. damage unrefutable. pain eternal. wounds so deep they never show. chaos. terrific terror. Life hereafter. Death demystified.
All these deranged thoughts playing in my head over and over and over like a broken recorder stuck at the track of insanity, leeching whatever rationalism i hold so dear. if only you understood. would Life be any different if you knew? would anything change, or would it be the same threesome of me, myself and i once more. not that it matters. i've never had anyone who understood. no one probably will. so be it. it looks like it is best to leave me be, and detonate along with the rest of my sorry existence.
Don't follow me. i chose this path a long time ago. be it a gift or a curse, you deserve better. expression is not one of my more outstanding qualities. so be it. it is my choice. my decision.
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