Welcome, to my humble abode...

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Move On

Some people would wonder how it could be possible for someone to like a person for so long without so much as speaking to her for more than ten seconds in his entire lifetime. I wonder the exact same thing. I used to feel incredibly frantic and helpless near her, even the thought of her made my knees weak. I used to think about her every day, and in actual fact I still do, but now I feel less affected by it.

I thought I would never see or hear from her again. It used to drive me crazy, not knowing what could or could not have been, because I left an opportunity hanging, never once wanting to take the initiative. There were too many regrets, because I had left it to Fate to decide how it would all play out, and Fate had dealt a cruel hand to me, or so I had thought at that time. I was too fearful, too ignorant to realise that I was looking for signs in everything when there were none, too stubborn to heed the warning signs that something was not quite right.

After graduation, I still harboured that small flame for her. I don't really know how but I managed to keep it alive, both willingly and unwillingly at the same time. How that was possible I still do not know. Even though I had been forced to move on, even though all I had was nothing more than memories, that flame burned, thriving on what reserves of hope I still had, that maybe , just maybe, there was a slight chance I could be with her, that no matter how slight, it was still a chance.

I wonder how many thought me a fool, to hold on for so long with so little. It was a touching story, but nothing more than that. I thought myself a fool, but I still held on, hoping that there would be a chance that something would happen. What a hopeless romantic I was, believing in happy endings. Logically I would have given up long ago, but the emotional part of me always overrules, because I am someone who believes that the world will move for love. In some respects I still believe in that, but just not for me.

Until recently I had been wallowing in no more than memories and lost chances, until I found a window to her present. I wonder if it would have been better to never have found that window, to continue wallowing in misery and self-torment, living in my twisted but happy state of mind, playing out all the what-ifs to my satisfaction. But perhaps it was a good thing, because now I don't feel shackled by this false dream. I know where she is now, so I no longer worry about how she's doing. She's in a good place, still troubled but with good company to be there for her when she needs them. At first I was dizzy with excitement, because I had so many things I wanted to find out. But now I have time to take a step back and see that maybe things were never meant to be.

I gave her the choice of contacting me and it appears that she has chosen to pretend that nothing happened. I do not know if there was any form of idscussion or debate behind it but I am strangely glad to have been ignored, because I was never really there in the first place. Do I have a right to suddenly want to be a part of her life? I don't find myself worthy, because I have never wanted to try before. Fears and suspicions gradually become clearer to me as I find out more about her, and all the more they paint this less perfect picture of her than I used to have.

I feel that I have the strength to move on now. Strength enough to stop this unsuppressable obsession I used to have. Finally knowing that I do not exist to her has enabled me to let this one-sided flame die out. I know it would have wanted to, rather than continue it's sputtering, struggling fight in the old system of blissful ignorance. The hope will never go away, but at least I am no longer eating away at it like an incurable disease.

Whatever happens from here onwards, I will leave it to Fate. If Fate would have our paths cross for the third time, then I will follow the flow of things and see where that takes me. If we never meet again, then I will forget her, forget until she becomes no more than an empty reminder that my wasted heart once felt for. Yes, it is about time I moved on.

At last, I feel free.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Return

I know that this post is way overdue, but certain events and circumstances have made it rather difficult for me to continue writing without referencing to a certain non-government organisation that I am currently enslaved to. As such, my choice of material has become rather limited and has to be subject to much editing before this certain organisation would leave this place alone, so much so that I would rather not put it up here. there is something to be said about censorship, but that is another matter. For now I am unable to fully express myself without repurcussion, at least not for another ten months or so. Until then I ask that you bear with me, and trust in the fact that no matter how dusty this place may be, I will always return in good time. My apologies if you have been waiting for long, and thank you for your patience and understanding.

Until further notice, await my return.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Hiatus

Today might very well be the last time you will hear from me for a very long time. Saturday marks a turning point in my army life thus far, for I will be leaving for Brunei, where there is nothing to do but train in the jungle for three weeks. That's three weeks of inadequate baths, wet boots, sore feet, wet weather, lousy food and all the trees you can get your hands on. It probably won't be as bad as I have made it out to be, but I am not too fond of experiencing a jungle firsthand.

I know I have been quiet for the past nine weeks, but that is because I was under what was possibly the toughest phase of my training. I chose to keep my silence until after the training, because only then can I truly say that I have gone through nine weeks of hell. Nine weeks of the most exhausting trainings and exercises that I have ever gone through, nine weeks of mind games that push the limits of mental strength, nine weeks as a commando trainee. Now I can say that I know what pain is, because I've experienced it in all its forms, be it physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain. I have felt it on so many levels and degrees. But I will elaborate more on this when I return, because time is not a luxury I can afford right now.

Until the seventh of October, I bid you farewell.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Interlude

Two months of silence now lie between this entry and the previous one. Though there can be no excuse on my part for this absence, I find it increasingly difficult to maintain this blog the way I want to. Time is no longer the luxury I thought I had, and finding a balance between the different aspects of my life has proven to be more taxing than I had imagined. Life in the army is no easier now as when I first entered service. In fact it has become tougher to find time for myself, and I am afraid this trend will continue to escalate until the date of my release is at hand. As such, for those who still read this blog, I seek your understanding that though I will try, not always will I be able to update this page regularly. There may be significant lapses between posts, some maybe even longer than the previous one. You have my thanks for reading this, for even as so much as one person does, my work here has not been in vain.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Haunted

"It is past one A.M. in the morning and I am unable to sleep. It's not the first time either. The past few weeks has been a rather uneasy period. I've had my mind on other things, which I think partly explains why I haven't found the mood to blog for more than a month.

Again I find myself asking the reason for my insomnia and restlessness, and again I am not surprised that the answer is her. The last time I saw her was eighty-two days ago, but hey, who's counting? Yeah, only me. You would have thought that after such a long time of not communicating with someone you could forget about him or her, but I just can't seem to. It's starting to scare me. I mean, I don't think I've spoken more than twenty words to her in my entire life, and yet I still think about her. Every single day. That's just a micron away from full-blown obsession. It's scaring me because I don't know how to stop it from building up and exploding into insanity.

Maybe it's because I haven't seen her for so long and I'm suffering from withdrawal. Maybe it's because I know I won't be seeing her anytime these next few years, if I even have a chance to see her at all. Or maybe it's because I'm just too stubborn to move on.

Why put myself through such needless torture? Do I think that it's worth it to just keep pining for someone? Is just thinking about her till I go mad going to accomplish anything? Will it make her suddenly appear? Or perhaps turn back time? If not, then why? Why do I keep thinking about her? I've got too many questions I can't answer. Questions I keep asking myself, every waking moment.

I fear for my sanity. I am too haunted to go back to the way I was. Somehow, I know I will not get out of this unscathed."

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Belief

What do you believe in? Can your beliefs be justified? More importantly, would you hold on to that belief, even to the very end?

These are the questions that I have asked myself countless times before, and now I ask of you to keep these in mind, as we take a slide down the slippery slope and shake the foundations of what we hold true.

But what is belief? The belief that I speak of, as defined by www.dictionary.com, is the mental acceptance of and conviction in the truth, actuality, or validity of something. It is also something believed or accepted as true, especially a particular tenet or a body of tenets accepted by a group of persons. The important thing to note here is that, firstly, there may not be any evidence to support whatever people believe in, because to have any real, hard evidence to support a belief would instantly make it a fact and therefore place it beyond dispute, unless counter-evidence can be produced to prove otherwise. The second, and perhaps rather worrying thing to note is that according to the definition, a belief can only held true if two or more individuals share similar views. This means that if someone believes in something that no one else believes in, he is taken to be mentally unsound and therefore untrustworthy.

But, what if the crazy man is right? What if what he believes in is correct and we are the ones holding on to falsehood? What if we are the crazy ones? Surely that cannot be. There are others, rational, dependable people, who feel the way I do. Surely they cannot all be wrong. Perhaps not, but I would like to tell you a story.

There was once a man of science who studied the stars and wrote down many things that we now hold to be true today. He made a huge discovery that would have revolutionised the world of astral science at that time, and told of his discovery to society. No one believed him. Even his own colleagues, intelligent men of science who relied on facts and not commonly held beliefs, condemned him. The church had him prosecuted on charges of sacrilege, and he was eventually found guilty and executed.
That man was Galileo Galilei, and thanks to him, we knew that the world is round long before we could see it for ourselves from space.

Now, would you consider Galileo to be crazy? According to definition, he was crazy then but not now, which is quite illogical. Similarly, what we hold to be true today is only because society believes it to be that way, and may not necessarily be that way tomorrow. Now, I ask of you to recall the second question. Can your beliefs be justified? As I have earlier mentioned, if they can be supported by real, hard evidence then they are not beliefs anymore but facts, and I have ruled out support by majority because we have to admit that people tend to make mistakes more often than we would like. That leaves us with belief that is without evidence and without popular support, only your conviction. That kind of belief is the most important kind of belief, because it is what determines our character and mental strength. We call it faith.

Throughout history, we have seen many people who believed so much in an idea that they have fought for it, bled for it, even died for it. And it is people like Galileo, William Wallace, Pope John Paul II and Abraham Lincoln, among others, who have shaped the world and what we deem as right and wrong.

Now, I ask of you one more thing. Take a good look at yourself once in a while. Shake the pillars of your beliefs. Question the stability of your faith. Jolt the steadfastness of your perspectives. And if they still stand, if you can still trust in them, then hold on to your beliefs and never let anyone or anything shake you, even if you are all alone.

Why? Because the world is round.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Pass Out

Today I am supposed to feel like a new man. Like my officer commanding says, we are basic soldiers no more. And yet, I feel as if something is amiss. There is this feeling of emptiness, a dark shadow lurking in the corners, mocking me while my back is turned. I don't feel like the person I should be, I don't feel like the person others think I am, I don't feel like the person who is me.

Does that make sense? I don't know. Somehow I cannot find a reason for my condition. Once more, my inner demons are tearing me up from the inside, and I can't keep everything together. There are some wounds so deep that they never show, but you can feel it there, lying hidden under your hopes and fears, waiting for the right moment to lunge and drag you down into a spiral of endless despair.

Sometimes I open my eyes and find myself more alone than ever before. The faces I once knew, the voices I once heard, they all seem to have faded away. Then my thoughts center around her once again. All I have is a memory of her, nothing more. Sometimes it drives me to the edge of sanity, because somehow I want something more than a vision of her, and sometimes it is all that keeps me going. It's like holding a rose. The thorns hurt you, make you bleed, but the flower is just so beautiful that the pain is worth it.

Perhaps if I had done something, things might have turned out differently. I've endured physical pain most people would consider extreme, but this is something totally different. It eats you up from the inside like a cancer, and there's no cure. Today I am supposed to feel like a new man, but I feel broken inside.