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Move On

2007-02-28T00:35:00.000+08:00

Some people would wonder how it could be possible for someone to like a person for so long without so much as speaking to her for more than ten seconds in his entire lifetime. I wonder the exact same thing. I used to feel incredibly frantic and helpless near her, even the thought of her made my knees weak. I used to think about her every day, and in actual fact I still do, but now I feel less affected by it.

I thought I would never see or hear from her again. It used to drive me crazy, not knowing what could or could not have been, because I left an opportunity hanging, never once wanting to take the initiative. There were too many regrets, because I had left it to Fate to decide how it would all play out, and Fate had dealt a cruel hand to me, or so I had thought at that time. I was too fearful, too ignorant to realise that I was looking for signs in everything when there were none, too stubborn to heed the warning signs that something was not quite right.

After graduation, I still harboured that small flame for her. I don't really know how but I managed to keep it alive, both willingly and unwillingly at the same time. How that was possible I still do not know. Even though I had been forced to move on, even though all I had was nothing more than memories, that flame burned, thriving on what reserves of hope I still had, that maybe , just maybe, there was a slight chance I could be with her, that no matter how slight, it was still a chance.

I wonder how many thought me a fool, to hold on for so long with so little. It was a touching story, but nothing more than that. I thought myself a fool, but I still held on, hoping that there would be a chance that something would happen. What a hopeless romantic I was, believing in happy endings. Logically I would have given up long ago, but the emotional part of me always overrules, because I am someone who believes that the world will move for love. In some respects I still believe in that, but just not for me.

Until recently I had been wallowing in no more than memories and lost chances, until I found a window to her present. I wonder if it would have been better to never have found that window, to continue wallowing in misery and self-torment, living in my twisted but happy state of mind, playing out all the what-ifs to my satisfaction. But perhaps it was a good thing, because now I don't feel shackled by this false dream. I know where she is now, so I no longer worry about how she's doing. She's in a good place, still troubled but with good company to be there for her when she needs them. At first I was dizzy with excitement, because I had so many things I wanted to find out. But now I have time to take a step back and see that maybe things were never meant to be.

I gave her the choice of contacting me and it appears that she has chosen to pretend that nothing happened. I do not know if there was any form of idscussion or debate behind it but I am strangely glad to have been ignored, because I was never really there in the first place. Do I have a right to suddenly want to be a part of her life? I don't find myself worthy, because I have never wanted to try before. Fears and suspicions gradually become clearer to me as I find out more about her, and all the more they paint this less perfect picture of her than I used to have.

I feel that I have the strength to move on now. Strength enough to stop this unsuppressable obsession I used to have. Finally knowing that I do not exist to her has enabled me to let this one-sided flame die out. I know it would have wanted to, rather than continue it's sputtering, struggling fight in the old system of blissful ignorance. The hope will never go away, but at least I am no longer eating away at it like an incurable disease.

Whatever happens from here onwards, I will leave it to Fate. If Fate would have our paths cross for the third time, then I will follow the flow of things and see where that takes me. If we never meet again, then I will forget her, forget until she becomes no more than an empty reminder that my wasted heart once felt for. Yes, it is about time I moved on.

At last, I feel free.

Return

2007-02-07T00:27:00.000+08:00

I know that this post is way overdue, but certain events and circumstances have made it rather difficult for me to continue writing without referencing to a certain non-government organisation that I am currently enslaved to. As such, my choice of material has become rather limited and has to be subject to much editing before this certain organisation would leave this place alone, so much so that I would rather not put it up here. there is something to be said about censorship, but that is another matter. For now I am unable to fully express myself without repurcussion, at least not for another ten months or so. Until then I ask that you bear with me, and trust in the fact that no matter how dusty this place may be, I will always return in good time. My apologies if you have been waiting for long, and thank you for your patience and understanding.

Until further notice, await my return.

Hiatus

2006-09-10T19:55:00.000+08:00

Today might very well be the last time you will hear from me for a very long time. Saturday marks a turning point in my army life thus far, for I will be leaving for Brunei, where there is nothing to do but train in the jungle for three weeks. That's three weeks of inadequate baths, wet boots, sore feet, wet weather, lousy food and all the trees you can get your hands on. It probably won't be as bad as I have made it out to be, but I am not too fond of experiencing a jungle firsthand.

I know I have been quiet for the past nine weeks, but that is because I was under what was possibly the toughest phase of my training. I chose to keep my silence until after the training, because only then can I truly say that I have gone through nine weeks of hell. Nine weeks of the most exhausting trainings and exercises that I have ever gone through, nine weeks of mind games that push the limits of mental strength, nine weeks as a commando trainee. Now I can say that I know what pain is, because I've experienced it in all its forms, be it physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain. I have felt it on so many levels and degrees. But I will elaborate more on this when I return, because time is not a luxury I can afford right now.

Until the seventh of October, I bid you farewell.

Interlude

2006-07-23T18:25:00.000+08:00

Two months of silence now lie between this entry and the previous one. Though there can be no excuse on my part for this absence, I find it increasingly difficult to maintain this blog the way I want to. Time is no longer the luxury I thought I had, and finding a balance between the different aspects of my life has proven to be more taxing than I had imagined. Life in the army is no easier now as when I first entered service. In fact it has become tougher to find time for myself, and I am afraid this trend will continue to escalate until the date of my release is at hand. As such, for those who still read this blog, I seek your understanding that though I will try, not always will I be able to update this page regularly. There may be significant lapses between posts, some maybe even longer than the previous one. You have my thanks for reading this, for even as so much as one person does, my work here has not been in vain.

Haunted

2006-05-21T01:18:00.000+08:00

"It is past one A.M. in the morning and I am unable to sleep. It's not the first time either. The past few weeks has been a rather uneasy period. I've had my mind on other things, which I think partly explains why I haven't found the mood to blog for more than a month.

Again I find myself asking the reason for my insomnia and restlessness, and again I am not surprised that the answer is her. The last time I saw her was eighty-two days ago, but hey, who's counting? Yeah, only me. You would have thought that after such a long time of not communicating with someone you could forget about him or her, but I just can't seem to. It's starting to scare me. I mean, I don't think I've spoken more than twenty words to her in my entire life, and yet I still think about her. Every single day. That's just a micron away from full-blown obsession. It's scaring me because I don't know how to stop it from building up and exploding into insanity.

Maybe it's because I haven't seen her for so long and I'm suffering from withdrawal. Maybe it's because I know I won't be seeing her anytime these next few years, if I even have a chance to see her at all. Or maybe it's because I'm just too stubborn to move on.

Why put myself through such needless torture? Do I think that it's worth it to just keep pining for someone? Is just thinking about her till I go mad going to accomplish anything? Will it make her suddenly appear? Or perhaps turn back time? If not, then why? Why do I keep thinking about her? I've got too many questions I can't answer. Questions I keep asking myself, every waking moment.

I fear for my sanity. I am too haunted to go back to the way I was. Somehow, I know I will not get out of this unscathed."

Belief

2006-04-02T02:27:00.000+08:00

What do you believe in? Can your beliefs be justified? More importantly, would you hold on to that belief, even to the very end?

These are the questions that I have asked myself countless times before, and now I ask of you to keep these in mind, as we take a slide down the slippery slope and shake the foundations of what we hold true.

But what is belief? The belief that I speak of, as defined by www.dictionary.com, is the mental acceptance of and conviction in the truth, actuality, or validity of something. It is also something believed or accepted as true, especially a particular tenet or a body of tenets accepted by a group of persons. The important thing to note here is that, firstly, there may not be any evidence to support whatever people believe in, because to have any real, hard evidence to support a belief would instantly make it a fact and therefore place it beyond dispute, unless counter-evidence can be produced to prove otherwise. The second, and perhaps rather worrying thing to note is that according to the definition, a belief can only held true if two or more individuals share similar views. This means that if someone believes in something that no one else believes in, he is taken to be mentally unsound and therefore untrustworthy.

But, what if the crazy man is right? What if what he believes in is correct and we are the ones holding on to falsehood? What if we are the crazy ones? Surely that cannot be. There are others, rational, dependable people, who feel the way I do. Surely they cannot all be wrong. Perhaps not, but I would like to tell you a story.

There was once a man of science who studied the stars and wrote down many things that we now hold to be true today. He made a huge discovery that would have revolutionised the world of astral science at that time, and told of his discovery to society. No one believed him. Even his own colleagues, intelligent men of science who relied on facts and not commonly held beliefs, condemned him. The church had him prosecuted on charges of sacrilege, and he was eventually found guilty and executed.
That man was Galileo Galilei, and thanks to him, we knew that the world is round long before we could see it for ourselves from space.

Now, would you consider Galileo to be crazy? According to definition, he was crazy then but not now, which is quite illogical. Similarly, what we hold to be true today is only because society believes it to be that way, and may not necessarily be that way tomorrow. Now, I ask of you to recall the second question. Can your beliefs be justified? As I have earlier mentioned, if they can be supported by real, hard evidence then they are not beliefs anymore but facts, and I have ruled out support by majority because we have to admit that people tend to make mistakes more often than we would like. That leaves us with belief that is without evidence and without popular support, only your conviction. That kind of belief is the most important kind of belief, because it is what determines our character and mental strength. We call it faith.

Throughout history, we have seen many people who believed so much in an idea that they have fought for it, bled for it, even died for it. And it is people like Galileo, William Wallace, Pope John Paul II and Abraham Lincoln, among others, who have shaped the world and what we deem as right and wrong.

Now, I ask of you one more thing. Take a good look at yourself once in a while. Shake the pillars of your beliefs. Question the stability of your faith. Jolt the steadfastness of your perspectives. And if they still stand, if you can still trust in them, then hold on to your beliefs and never let anyone or anything shake you, even if you are all alone.

Why? Because the world is round.

Pass Out

2006-03-11T19:31:00.000+08:00

Today I am supposed to feel like a new man. Like my officer commanding says, we are basic soldiers no more. And yet, I feel as if something is amiss. There is this feeling of emptiness, a dark shadow lurking in the corners, mocking me while my back is turned. I don't feel like the person I should be, I don't feel like the person others think I am, I don't feel like the person who is me.

Does that make sense? I don't know. Somehow I cannot find a reason for my condition. Once more, my inner demons are tearing me up from the inside, and I can't keep everything together. There are some wounds so deep that they never show, but you can feel it there, lying hidden under your hopes and fears, waiting for the right moment to lunge and drag you down into a spiral of endless despair.

Sometimes I open my eyes and find myself more alone than ever before. The faces I once knew, the voices I once heard, they all seem to have faded away. Then my thoughts center around her once again. All I have is a memory of her, nothing more. Sometimes it drives me to the edge of sanity, because somehow I want something more than a vision of her, and sometimes it is all that keeps me going. It's like holding a rose. The thorns hurt you, make you bleed, but the flower is just so beautiful that the pain is worth it.

Perhaps if I had done something, things might have turned out differently. I've endured physical pain most people would consider extreme, but this is something totally different. It eats you up from the inside like a cancer, and there's no cure. Today I am supposed to feel like a new man, but I feel broken inside.

Day Of Dread

2006-03-01T19:44:00.000+08:00

"It was a strange feeling. After being disconnected from everyone for so long, I was finally going to see all my friends, in person. But the occasion for gathering was not one of particular joy. Collecting results is seldom a happy affair, unless you already know you did well. In my case, I felt eerily indifferent to my grades. It was most unlike the 'O' levels results collection. But the results do not bother me, nor do I think that they matter as much as some people make them out to be. A piece of paper should not determine how you live your life.

Another matter that bothered me more, is when I saw her. I was discreetly searching for her among the crowd. I think she saw me looking at her. Being the shy person that I am, I turned away quickly. Suddenly I felt an ominous feeling, something that I should have felt before the results collection. Somehow, deep down inside, I know that I will probably never see her again..."

Hope

2006-02-28T18:47:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wondered why some people keep buying lottery even though they never win? Have you ever wondered why there are still people who support ailing football clubs? Have you ever wondered why the US keeps trying to hold talks with North Korea even though they get nowhere? It is all because of that greatest of gifts that we call Hope.

Why is hope the greatest of gifts? What makes hope so special that it stands above all other virtues? To understand that we must understand that hope is tied closely to desire. Desire is the inclination to want things, and everyone wants something. Be it a car or a new handphone or someone who understands you, we are all creatures of desire. Hope is our way of seeing that desire fulfilled, even though it has not actually come to pass. Now, you may be thinking that hope is only an illusion, that it is only part of our imagination, but let me say that hope is powerful. Hope can make or break a man.

Think about it. Try to remember the last time someone got your hopes up, but in the end you were let down. I know, it feels terrible. Now, try to think of one time when your hopes were up, and things went your way. It felt real good, didn't it? So imagine if you told a man lost in a desert without water for many days that you scouted the area and found that there is no water for miles around, chances are he would just give up then and there. But if you told him that there is an oasis up ahead, chances are he would drag himself onwards, no matter how weak or exhausted he is. The same applies to soldiers under siege by enemy forces. Tell them that no reinforcements can reach them and that they are totally surrounded, and the chances of them surrendering are quite high. But tell them that reinforcements are arriving soon and they will fight to the death, even though there may not actually be reinforcements.

Why? Because hope, that greatest of gifts, can lift you up high enough to keep enduring. It is what keeps gamblers going back to the betting stations. It is what keeps football fans loyal to their clubs. It is what keeps the US persistent in disarming North Korea's nuclear capabilities. There is that hope in them, no matter how small, that maybe, if they just hold on for a little while more, things might just go their way. That is what makes hope the greatest of gifts, because when you give hope, people can go on for far longer than they knew they could. But take it away, and you can kill their spirit, crush their motivation, and dissolve their resolve.

I've spent almost two months in a military camp, so I know what I'm talking about. There is nothing more important than hope, because sometimes that is all you have. And it will keep you going.

I bring hope to others; I keep none for myself.

Duty

2006-01-29T23:04:00.000+08:00

I am writing this post because many people, mostly those who have not yet entered national service and those who will never have to, are going to be curious about army life. I cannot tell them spooky ghost stories or funny incidents in camp because I am in a new camp on the mainland that is totally devoid of supernatural hauntings, plus my camp has only one company made up of around two hundred recruits who are being trained by hardened Commando Regulars, so no one is stupid enough to step out of line. Sorry for being a let-down, but Commando training really is that unhappening. But of what I have learnt from my days in army so far, I can tell them what to cherish now and more importantly, why we must serve the nation.

It has been three weeks since I went off to serve the nation, and I can safely say that a military life can change a person. For one thing, you learn to treasure every chance of contact with the outside world. The worst enemy of the National Serviceman is not foot rot nor physical injury, but isolation. Many of us have never been away from our families for more than a week. Imagine not being able to see them for week, upon week, upon week. That first experience can crush a man's spirit. For many people, including me, the first two weeks of confinement was the hardest part of NS. I was on the mainland, so psychologically is was easier for me. Imagine what those on Tekong had to go through.

That freedom to go anywhere we please and do whatever we want is so important to us and yet so lightly appreciated that when it is suddenly removed with force, we find ourselves counting every day, every hour, and every minute until that freedom is returned at the end of the week. Previously we could go out and meet our friends at any hour and sleep till the late afternoon. In the army you wake up when the sky is still dark. And the first activity of the day? Morning exercise. I know a few people who would kill for another ten minutes of sleep.

Such sacrifices are not worth two years just to strengthen our bodies, so why exactly do thousands of youths who have went through it still say they had fun? It is because of duty. No, I will not unload a whole lot of propaganda on our duty to protect this nation and so on an so forth. The duty that I speak of is of a more practical nature. Duty is defined by dictionary.com as:

1. An act or a course of action that is required of one by position, social custom, law, or religion.
2. Moral obligation.
3. The compulsion felt to meet such obligation.
4. A service, function, or task assigned to one, especially in the armed forces.

As National Servicemen, we draw allowance from the government. Ergo, we are being paid. As paid personnel, we have a moral obligation to fulfil whatever service, function or task assigned to us. In our case that task would be National Service. In the army there are only two ways to do things; the right way, or the wrong way. Your superiors would insist that we do things the right way, or else. And to do things the right way involves fulfilling our duty to the best of our ability. And in order to do that, we have to find the fun in whatever activities the officers can throw at us. Only then can one really survive National Service with his mind intact.

Always remember that we are soldiers not simply for the sake of being soldiers, but because we have a duty. A duty to our friends and family, because their tax money is ultimately paying us to learn how to protect them.

Immortality

2006-01-04T21:51:00.000+08:00

I was looking at the stars last night. Usually you can't really see them because of all the light pollution, but last night many of them shone brightly, and as I gazed upon their faint flickering forms I remembered Alexander the Great, and how he wept when he heard that there were no more lands to conquer. Maybe he didn't weep because of that. Maybe he wept because he saw the stars, and realised that there were so many worlds to conquer, but only one lifetime to accomplish it.

That's what I think, at any rate. But it is a fact that people throughout the ages have been obsessed with the concept of living forever, because let's face it, who would not desire to have all the time in the world to do everything you ever wanted? Especially so for those who have an empire to run. Legend has it that Qin Shi Huang sent scouts through known and unknown lands to find an elixir of life, so that he may live forever and rule China for all eternity. Another legend regards the Philosopher's Stone. When alchemists still existed, they believed that the Philosopher's Stone was the missing catalyst for converting mercury and sulphur into gold. It was also believed that the Stone could generate an elixir that granted eternal life. Ancient Egyptian pharaohs were mummified and entombed with treasures and artifacts and had grand statues erected in their likeness, in the hope that they too could live forever in the afterlife.

But immortality is elusive. Qin Shi Huang never got his elixir, the Philosopher's Stone remained the stuff of imagination and wishful fantasy, and the tombs of the pharaohs were plundered by grave-robbers. Yet even today we still seek immortality. Medical technology can keep us alive far longer than we could hope for, but even then, it is only delaying the inevitable.

Why do men seek immortality so relentlessly? Is it the fear of death, that fear that what we deserve will finally catch up with us? Or is it the fear of finality that comes with death? Or is it the desire to live, to spread ourselves so far across time that everyone will know who we are, past, present and future? I think that men seek immortality because we fear being forgotten, doomed to be lost in the mists of time, becoming just another name in the pages of history, and all chance of rising above our mediocrity has slipped away.

You may think, "since no one has succeeded in living forever, then what chance do I, a mere insignificant like the other few million people, have?" Ah, but you know who Alexander the Great is. You know that a person called Qin Shi Huang existed. And you know that the Pharaohs of Egypt ruled one of the greatest ancient civilisations ever. They have been immortalised in our memories, and will continue to live forever, as long as they are remembered. Their formula to immortality is really quite simple. They had the will to do something so grand, so great, that people had no choice but to remember them.

Tolkien will be remembered for writing The Lord Of The Rings. Spielberg will be remembered for directing E.T. Even people like Osama will be remembered for his infamous terrorist attacks. Now, what will you be remembered for?

Christmas

2005-12-25T20:40:00.000+08:00

Ah, Christmas. The presents have been opened, the food has been eaten, and all is right and good with the world. The fake Santas have hung up their false beards and the Christmas decorations will be reused for New Year's Day. Tonight, young people will party until they pass out because they have tomorrow to sleep it over. And I, will sit here and ponder.

What is the reason for celebration? What is the meaning of this day? Was it all just about fun and games and eating till we can't move?

Hmmm. Something is missing.

Ah, I do believe I can sum it up in a few words.

Happy 2005th birthday, Jesus!

And to the rest of you, Merry Christmas. I mean it.

A Night To Remember

2005-12-07T21:27:00.000+08:00

"For as long as I live, I will never forget this moment.

She wore a lime green dress, with a floral design on the left side, that stopped at her thighs with a slight flair, a silverish star-shaped pendant that i suspect to be white gold hung snugly around her neck, and matching heels that served to further enhance her elegance. Over the din of the crowd, I heard her say the words that I dreaded. She was leaving! It was my last chance, and I was faced with a dilemma: eternal humiliation, or eternal regret. My friends must have heard her too, because they goaded me onwards. I rushed to catch up, a million thoughts racing through my mind, like 'what am I going to say?' and 'how will she respond?' and more importantly, 'will my heart blow up from beating too fast?'. She turned, as if on cue, and saw me approaching. With sheer willpower strong enough to make an alcoholic swear off drinks forever, I beat my stammering into submission and managed to blurt out a coherent sentence, asking for a photo with her. She smiled. I could have slain a lion right then and there.

As we posed for the photo, I knew that I had no more regrets. Sure, there would be hell to put up with the teasing and prodding later, but for now, for this moment of sheer bliss, I lived."

Some say that Graduation Night is an overrated event. There is no starry starry night, no catching her eye from across a crowded room, and no happy ending where the guy gets the girl. It is simply a high school function too romanticised by Western culture. There may be some hint of truth, but I beg to differ. Special things do happen, if you let them.

Dark Side

2005-11-26T21:56:00.000+08:00

No, this has nothing to do with Star Wars. this is about the dark side that resides in all of us. this is about the side of you and me that nobody sees, that nobody will ever want to see, because it's not pretty.

This is not about bright and cheery messages of peace and hope. this is a post that I've warned you of, one of those that the easily shaken should not be reading. if you so happen to be one of those, then i suggest that you stop reading this now, for your benefit and mine. believe me, I do not want a guilty conscience.

So, for those still with me. I believe that you would have realised that we live in a world of duality. for everything there must be a direct opposite, the immediate anti-thesis of the other. there is hot and cold, light and dark, good and evil. such is the way of the world. Stephen King once wrote that if we share a brotherhood of Man, then we must also share an insanity of man. if such wonderful values of hope and honour and grace can exist in this world, then the immediate anti-thesis would, by the laws of this world, exist as well. I hope that, no pun intended, you have heard of the seven deadly sins. wrath. greed. envy. sloth. gluttony. pride. lust. what most of you would not have heard of, is the seven contrary virtues. patience. liberality. kindness. diligence. abstinence. humility. chastity. for everything there must be a direct opposite. such is the way of the world.

Now that I have made my point, on to more sensitive issues. many of you have seen The Exorcism of Emily Rose. if not, I believe that you have heard of it, or even seen it's predecessor, The Exorcist. it would be natural to wonder why God, with such greatness that he could create the universe with but a single word, would permit the existence of such evil like demons and possession. for everything there must be a direct opposite, the immediate anti-thesis. such is the way of the world. since people can believe in angels and redemption, so can demons and posession exist. the belief in one validates the existence of the other.

We live in a world of duality. that would make us, in essence, creatures of duality as well. we embody values like friendship, kindness and innocence. we treat others with respect and honour our promises. we live each day as law-abiding citizens and adhere to our country's principles and values. but, that is what the world sees, or what we want the world to see. there is something else, something we keep hidden away under the facade of righteousness.

Allow me to digress for a bit. let us talk about movies. we like watching horror movies like The Ring, Ju-On, The Eye, or even those like Dawn of The Dead, Freddy Vs Jason, The Amityville Horror, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and so on and so forth. I think we've all seen such shows and thought afterwards, "so scary! wah, i very frightened!". and yet, we come out smiling. we come out saying we can't wait for the sequel. we come out talking about gory details of how so and so died, the interesting ways they were decapitated/drowned/staked/stabbed/et cetera. but ask yourselves. is it right that we feel so excited about such morbid stuff? is it right that we enjoy seeing people die in interesting ways? sure, maybe the character was acting like an ass and deserved it, but, is it right?

Like I said before, we live in a world of duality. since we display such virtues like love and joy, so must we also display such sins like lust and wrath. everyone is guilty of such crimes. don't deny it. you know you are. we are, after all, only human. it's that bit of you that wants to see the arrogant bastard die. it's that bit of you that wants to punch that guy who has been annoying you all day. oh, we don't actually do it, but we think it. it's that part of you that still remains primal when the rest of you is civilised. it's the instinct that you never lose. it's called The Beast, and it's always hungry. it needs to be fed, otherwise it just grows and grows until it's leash breaks and then, well, we all know what happens after that.

But where to display such sins? how can we calm The Beast? certainly not in everyday life, and certainly not in public. such displays would only land you in a cell. this is where the convenience of modernity comes in. movies, games, videos, all these are avenues that allow us to show our dark side, where we can let our Beast revel and play in safety. I don't particularly like mindless horror flicks, and i hate watching porn. that's just for people who don't have an imagination. but i personally like to indulge in violent games, as some of you would know. but why do it? why indulge in something that is bad? won't it just make me a slave to my vices? no. because it keeps The Beast full, that's why. it's what keeps me thinking with the head up here and not the one down there. it is what keeps me sane, because you have to admit that you have to be a little crazy to live in a world like this.

I am not telling you to indulge your vices. this is merely something for you to reflect on. if you want to indulge you vices, and if you think that you can still live with yourself after that, then by all means go ahead.

And one more thing. some people may ask me why I believe in demons and possession. I'll tell them that's because I believe in angels and redemption.

Vindication

2005-11-20T20:42:00.000+08:00

Vindicate

To clear of accusation, blame, suspicion, or doubt with supporting arguments or proof.

I was vindicated as of 5.20 p.m., Wednesday, the 16th of November, which marked the last day of my mental imprisonment. no longer will examinations and tests plague me. no longer will teachers chase me for work. no longer will i be forced to confine myself to book and note. no longer will i be subject to the tyranny of numbers and facts, severing whatever shred of sanity that i might have had. and no longer will i ever have to answer to that institute which has caused countless students immeasurable anguish, that which is also known in some cultures as Cambridge.

Because for some the closure we have all been waiting for so longingly has finally arrived, and for the rest it is fast approaching, so take heart, for many days of delicious boredom await you as your prize of enduring twelve gruelling years of, for want of a better word, 'education'.

Some say that we will probably never use what we have learnt in school, that when we go to university the courses we choose may have no relevance whatsoever to our A level subjects, that the jobs we take in the future have nothing to do with mathematics or physics or chemistry or biology or geography. this is true, but i believe that the value of schooling lies not in the final product but in the journey. all that talk about schools cultivating an independent spirit and instilling values in us is, pardon my language, bullshit. either you already have it, or you don't. it is from school that we learn the swear words of our time, that we laugh at the most notorious characters in the cohort, while subconsciously learning how to avoid becoming like them, where we learn to get along with people we like and don't like, where some find their life partners, and others find out how fragile the heart really is. school is not a place to learn facts. it is a place where we learn to become human.

So now that you have faced the last test you will ever take, go out into the world and live. i mean really live. if there is anything you want to do or experience before you die, now is the time to start. you have been cleared of all accusations of late or missing work, cleared of all blame of not studying hard enough, cleared of all suspicion of sleeping in class, and cleared of all doubt about your intelligence.

Like our seniors before us, we have been vindicated.

Farewell

2005-10-18T23:48:00.000+08:00

This day, was a day of bittersweetness, that taste of saccharine tinged with the feeling of loss that comes with farewell. the relief that a part of our lives is now only a memory, taken together with the anxiety of that which is to come. the sensation is sickening yet alluring, choking yet liberating, repulsing yet oh so desirable...

The emotion is one that is hard to describe. it is something that must be felt to understand, for no two people share the exact same sentiments. goodbye is never an easy thing. my story is not one of reunion, nor camaraderie, but rather one of loss, and realisation, here at the end of all days at TJC.

Loss can come in many forms. today it chose to manifest itself as belonging. the loss of belonging that comes when you are no longer part of something so integral to singaporean life as a school. for twelve years of my life it was all i have ever known to be constant. it was all i have ever known life to be about. life as a student involved transition from year to year and from institute to institute, but the core element was still there. i belonged to something. and for a person of my quiet character, belonging means a lot. now i find that i am no longer in a familiar circle of society. i am no student, nor worker. i cannot see the future of hope and greatness in myself that i see in others. i am a wanderer, a ghost, drifting, with only the memories of what was, and what could have been.

Yet even as this cold october day covers me with a frost born from the heart, a feeling of realisation dawns upon the emptiness, like a bright morning sun that warms the first of the spring flowers. i am a TJCian. i am a climber. TJCians don't quit. and climbers don't quit. not even when the odds are unfavourable. not even when there is no sign of better days ahead. not even when the end is so far away you can't see it. so i'm not going to quit living. i'm going to get over A levels and see where the road takes me. i'm going to stop looking for the end of the path and start smelling the flowers along the way.

And besides...

If living a little longer would allow me to see her one last time, why not?

"Coming this way is..."

2005-08-02T17:05:00.000+08:00

"I can feel it now. It's that same feeling I get every time. My feet feel heavy and awkward and don't seem to respond very well. I actually have to concentrate on my leg movement, otherwise I'd just trip over my own legs and collapse in one embarrassed heap, never to regather my pride. My breath escapes me and doesn't return until later, as if it had suddenly had a lapse in memory and had to attend to something important before it forgot again. My heart accelerates to levels one would normally associate with small furry rodents, as though someone found a button on it marked 'nitro boosters' and decided to give it a push. My hearing fades into oblivion, muffling all other sounds so that the only thing I hear is my pounding heart and the frantic srambling of my brain as it struggles to prevent my body from flying off in ten different directions. Even Time joins in the fun and slows to a grinding halt, as if to see how long I could last in this unnatural state. Then suddenly everything is back to normal, like nothing unusual ever took place.

I turn to look at her retreating back, but only for a moment. Nobody else notices, but that may be because she's turning everyone else's heads as well. I'm not afraid to admit that it's been like that for more than a year. Yet somehow I can't help wondering whether it's just me, every other guy, or just her? I think it's her. She's got some Presence, an aura, something like how the queen bee has a scent that makes the drones obey her. It is what Makes Heads Turn. I capitalise it because only a select few have the honour of bearing it. And of what I know, she's been like that ever since I knew her. Yeah, all those years ago when the only thing in little boys' heads is soccer and digimon and gameboy, nothing at all about girls. Nothing at all. No boy at that age would be caught dead alone with a girl. It was like an unwritten rule: Boys and girls are separate species between the ages of six to twelve. Even then, she could Make Heads Turn. I think you realise the magnitude of this power.

She made my head turn then. And five years later she's still doing it. I wish I could talk to her again, or perhaps a greeting would do, or even an acknowledgement that she used to know me. But I can't, because she's walking away, and I'm only looking at her retreating back..."

Argh. This is so obvious.

Magical Saturday

2005-07-20T21:02:00.000+08:00

"Darkness. That was the very first thing I remember seeing. It had been a restless sleep that I slipped into the night before, filled with visions of wands and broomsticks and cold castles. The day had not yet dawned. I groped in the darkness for my clock, bringing it close into range of my blurred vision that was as yet unaccustomed to the early morning. 6.05. Still early. It would not be here for another five more hours. Five more gruelling hours of anxious anticipation. with that thought in my mind, I slipped back into an uneasy dream of green and red lightning.

Light. That was the very first thing I remember seeing. The sky was overcast with grey clouds that put me in mind of British weather. The sun was hidden behind the shield of rain clouds that spelt foreboding news in the near future. Then it hit me hard and mercilessly. The time! Five hours had gone in the blink of an eye! I flew down the stairs in a flurry of rumpled clothes and frizzled hair, stopping short only at the sight of it, hardly unable to believe my eyes. There it sat on my table, as if it was expecting me, beckoning me to reach out my hand and claim it for my own.

Withholding my temptation no longer, I picked it up and savoured the moment, the feel of the cloth-like hard cover, the smell of freshly packed wood pulp. Yes, the smell of crisp paper, the smell of delicious potential! I snapped out of my reverie long enough to steal back to my room, where I was prepared to be shut out from all daily activity until my wondrous adventure gained closure. As I ran a finger down its spine I could feel my own tingle with excitement. With trembling hands I flipped it open, and thus my magical adventure began..."

I have forgotten how much I liked to write stories. Seeing as to how I would be unable to afford the time for well thought out posts, what with the dreaded 'A' levels, I believe I shall be writing stories for quite a bit. True stories. A story about a boy...

Life

2005-06-20T22:38:00.000+08:00

Yes, i know. what a stark contrast to my last post. but then again i can think of no better time to talk about life. as i write this i am serenaded by the peaceful tune of Canon. i came across it visiting a friend's blog, and this wondrous masterpiece, uplifting, full of spirit and energy, and yet at the same time calm and soothing, floods my senses. i could not help thinking, how much better life is because of the existence of music like this.

Life... once again i find myself asking the same question that millions before me have asked: "What is life?". i wonder how many great thinkers have bent their minds over this one question, this one mystery of which there is no key to the lock. many have come up with their own understandings of life. to each his own, i say. i believe that everyone has to face this obstacle of finding out what exactly life is on their own. it is not something that can be solved by a committee, nor can there be a single decisive answer. each individual must discover life, alone and unguided. it is much like a jigsaw puzzle where the pieces don't fit and the big picture makes no sense.

Life can be defined in many ways. according to www.dictionary.com, here are a few definitions that i am interested in.

1. The characteristic state or condition of a living organism.
2. The interval of time between birth and death.
3. The physical, mental, and spiritual experiences that constitute existence.
4. Human existence, relationships, or activity in general.
5. A manner of living.
6. Liveliness or vitality; animation.

And here are my interpretations.
1. Life is a condition. this makes it a necessity.
2. Life is also an interval of time. this time has to be filled with something.
3. Experience is a good filling. it constitutes of existence.
4. Humans must interact with their surroundings and with each other to have a good existence, which also means a good experience.
5. Our experiences dictate the manner in which we live out our lives.
6. And, it won't hurt if we add in a little liveliness and vitality.

You may have wondered about life before, mused about its meaning, perhaps gotten a little depressed over it. i know i have. a life is a life, but there are so many lifes out there as well. billions, in fact. how different is my life from any other? what is the point of living if i'm going to get a university degree like every other singaporean? even worse, what if i don't? what then? the future is so uncertain! i don't even know what i want to do when i grow up! my life has no meaning to it, just study, study, study, year after year. holidays don't even feel like holidays anymore, but more like extended homework leave. from this perspective, life sucks.

And it would, if you let it get to you. but i have learnt to stop looking at the larger picture and just focus on the simpler things in life. laughing at a joke with friends, waking up late to find the sun's rays shining upon me, watching movies at a friend's house late into the night, staring at the blue sky on a clear day, listening to the music the rain makes, finding something long thought lost, all these are the experiences that enrich a life. many think life has no meaning to it. i think that as well. life doesn't have any meaning. it needs you to give meaning to it. remember, life is just an interval of time. time intervals don't have meaning. but once you fill it with an experience, that life becomes unique, something that no one else will ever be able to duplicate, because it happened to you and affected you and changed you in a certain way. that uniqueness is what gives life its meaning. it is the comfort of knowing that you are one of a kind, not just another statistic. and one of a kind is always special.

Sometimes the big picture doesn't have to make any sense. and sometimes, when the jigsaw pieces don't fit, you have to learn to cut a bit. life is many things, but one thing it isn't is perfect. sure, there are highs and lows,but that only adds to the enriching experience. a life of highs is nothing if there isn't a low to compare it with.

Holmes once said, "Life is painting a picture, not doing a sum." indeed. a picture is unique, because it can never be recreated exactly. certainly, the image may look alike, but the brush strokes will never be the same. yes, life is full of uncertainty and apprehension, where anything and everything can happen, but the important part is that you handled it your own unique way. after all, nobody knows you better than yourself.

What is life? that's for me to know, and for you to find out.

Death

2005-05-13T23:24:00.000+08:00

The time hath come. Long have i waited for this day, this significant day on which to unveil my darkest post yet. this day, that would send all who believe in silly superstition scuttling back to the void of narrow-mindedness from whence they came. this day, that has come so naturally, so perfect, i will keep you in suspense no longer. i do hope you will pardon the lengthiness, for it has been a while and my fingers are itching. Death beckons this Friday the 13th. dare you follow?

Everyone knows what death is like. i am certain not one of us has not experienced the loss of a loved one at some point in time or another. we are all familiar with the monocoloured attire of black and white, the peaceful hymns that make people cry, the rite of passage as the beloved passes from coffin to ashes, and the awkwardly silent journey to the final resting place. but it takes more than just spectator experience to fully grasp the concept of death. i can tell you how death is part of the cycle of life and whatnot, but i'm not so boring as to repeat things most people already know. i cannot offer you the real thing either, else i would not be here. all i have to offer is but only one side of a die, and all i can hope for is that you will find it useful.

So what exactly is death? why do we fear it so much that the very thought can drive us over the edge of sanity? why do some of us quail before it, while others can stare it in the eye? the answer to that lies in the direct opposite of death. firstly, death is the absence of life. it is the ultimatum that marks the end of our sojourn in this mortal coil. it is also unevitable. in fact, death is the only certainty in life. money will rot, memories will fade, but death keeps coming back, because it has existed ever since the first living cell came into being, and will exist until the last living being draws its final breath.

With so much finality surrounding death, it comes with little wonder that people fear its immensity. they fear its power to end life, its judgment at the end of all things, its ubiquity. they fear it because of the same reason humans fear all other things: they do not understand death.

A teacher i know once worked as a prison warden. i remember him telling me that when the prisoners were on their way to the gallows, they had to be dragged like little children. in fact they were not so different from toddlers. they cried, they screamed, they struggled, they even lost control of their bladders and rectum. the fear of death reduced hardy brutes that could crush bones like matchsticks into pathetic, frightened cowards.

But how? and why? the reason to that lies in life. they fear death because in life, they did not achieve their true goals. they would never make their first million, nor would they feel the joys of parenthood, nor travel round the world, nor experience the laid-back life of old age. and that can be more terrifying than anything else in the world, because once opportunity stops knocking, the silence can be unbearable. to me, the loss of possibility is far greater than any torment. another reason people fear death would be the reluctance to leave life, because they are holding on to material needs. wealth, fame, power, all these disappear with the passing of time, so there is no use clinging on to it. you only add the unnecessary burden of death lurking in your mind.

Now, you may be wondering what all these has got to do with understanding death. ah, it has everything to do with understanding, because the further reason behind the fear is the inability to comprehend the reason for death. as paradoxical as it sounds, death is not a death knell, but a wake-up call. it reminds us of our mortality. most in a situation when death calls would give up and resign everything to the finality of death. so do all who live to see such times, but that is not for us to decide. all we can decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. and what we should do is to sort out what is really important in our lives. it may be calling up all those friends you lost contact with, or ironing out some differences with your family, or even trying something you have never tried before, like mountain climbing or sky diving. some people have always wondered why mountaineers are so reckless as to place their lives at risk. i think they don't go up there to die. they go up there to live. because that is what's important to them. only by understanding the simple truth that life and death is not so much worlds apart than being separated by a line as thick as the end of this sentence, can we really appreciate the real meaning of death.

A friend told me that the only limit to the human body is death. there is a lot of truth in that. if something is truly important to you, then nothing short of death can stand in your way. so do the important things in life. after all, you only live once. and even if you can't, the most that can happen is that you die trying.

Unfinished Business

2005-04-23T23:46:00.000+08:00

Yes. I know. it's been over a month. and my fingers are itching. it has been long... too long... since i last put a keyboard to productive use.

Why this long delay? I can give two reasons. firstly, the tyranny of time, or rather, the lack of it. I am sure this is a very trying period, my friends. but have heart. somehow, we'll get over the tests and competitions and the stagnating pile of tutorials due some time last month. well, the last bit applies to me, at least. so, yeah.

The second reason i can give is that i have been thinking about a rather dark issue. as such, it requires quite a bit of pondering, and trust me when i say that it is better to let this matter come naturally, as opposed to the alternative. (kudos to those who know of what i speak of) i will not reveal the nature of this issue as of yet, but rest assured you will find it on this blog sometime in the near future.

Which brings me to another matter. i wonder, how many people actually read this stagnant blog, and perhaps more interesting is how many people will read it after i post this. i wonder, how many people came back here once in a while, hoping to see an update? and i wonder, how many people lost faith in my commitment?

Now, i don't mean to sound so full of myself or whatever, but if you fall under the third group, then you really don't know me. for all my shortcomings, i will always keep a promise. be it days, weeks, months or even years, i will still keep the promise. i may even forget it, but i will still keep it if i am reminded of it. i hold my word in the highest regard, so when i give someone my word, i really mean it.

When i created this blog, i promised myself i would never abandon it. be it weeks or months or years i'd still come back and pour a bit of my mind into it.

So, its about time i kept that promise. I've got some unfinished business to do...

Take A Look Around

2005-03-10T22:56:00.000+08:00

It has been little under a month since i last committed my thoughts, part of that reason being the untimely decision of my graphics card to choke up and die on me. but no matter. i came back online and found almost everyone's blogs sad, depressing or just plain empty. so now i have something to tell you. it is interesting to note that i somehow survived two weeks without my computer. i know it sounds very selfish to talk about my exploits when everyone feels down but, like all things i do, there is a reason for it.

But perhaps even more interesting to note is what i did in the two weeks of cybernetic isolation. yes, i admit that i do have a problem with not using my computer for more than five days (what is the point of spending so much on something if you are not going to use it for what it's worth?) so i think you have a pretty good idea of what those two weeks were like.

It is interesting to note how the human brain can adapt to so many situations. it is such a beautiful thing, the human brain is. when subjected to change it evolves to suit the situation, creating whole new solutions to the problems present, and i must add that these are unique solutions specially tailored to fit the individual's needs. in my case... well, you'll find out soon enough.

Gaming is my escape. i play games because i am in a situation otherwise unlikely on this world. war games, mind games, mindless games, i've tried a fair share. games give me escape, to galactic battles and winged robots and places where weapon proficiency determines survival. so it will come to no surprise that without so much as an inkling of comparable stimulation from the real world, the individual, i.e. me, would turn to studies to while the time away and, hopefully, get those annoying tutors who irk me so to get off my back, right? wrong. thankfully, my mind is more resourceful than i anticipated.

As the days wore on, i found my attention constantly drawn skywards. i never paid much heed to it until one late night when i was walking home from a hard day's climb. i looked up into the night sky and saw the stars and clouds and the velvet blackness returning the favour, twinkling at me as if they knew something i did not. then all of a sudden a cool breeze blew and i was high above the world, borne far away to distant galactic battles between factions of good and evil nestled among the stars, and valorous duels with gun and sword. then just as suddenly as it came the breeze ceased, and i was back to plain old ordinary Jared. all this while it had been at the back of my head, never taking centrestage but always there, veiled and unnoticed, until when need called, my mind drew upon its power to allay that deep blue funk that i couldn't seem to shake.

Then i realised. gaming had given my imagination something to feed on, and now with its absence, that imagination sprang forth to fill the gap gaming used to occupy. i no longer needed gaming to escape. it was all right here in my very mind. on the bus, in the classroom, in the lecture hall, i could see epic battles take place anytime, anywhere, wherever boredom and monotony sets in. all because i took a look around, and found a way out.

So find your escape. it doesn't have to be gaming. it could be a rock band playing on the lecture stage or a soccer match on the bus or whatever takes your fancy. so long as you have a sanctuary to escape to, you'll never feel too down or too out to do anything.

So take a look around. who knows? you may be surprised at what you can find.

Love

2005-02-14T23:54:00.000+08:00

There was something in the air today...

Some tingling sensation we all felt, but couldn't explain...

Something we call Love.

It's Valentine's Day today. Also known as Friendship Day for the lonely, in essence, me. Also known in some cultures as Monday. We must all thank dear old St. Valentine for such a special day, and special it is, for it is but a celebration of the most powerful emotion of all, Love.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
It is not self-seeking, nor easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongdoing.
It does not delight in evil,
But rejoices in the truth.
It always protects, trusts, hopes, and preserves.
There is nothing love cannot face;
There is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things that last forever:
Faith, hope, and love;
But the greatest of them all is love.
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I will not get preachy for those of you who have something against people proclaiming the greatness of God. God is a God of love. That, in my opinion, is what makes him great. Go figure.

"Ah, Spring, when a young man's fancy lightly turn to thoughts of love."
-- Shakespeare

And right he is. In fact i do dare say it happens not only in Spring. Love is evergreen.

But, what exactly is this most powerful emotion of all, this thing we call love? What is this, that can render the strongest man helpless? What is this, that defies all embarrassment? What is this, that stands unfaltering in the face of adversity? All i can tell you is that love is, well, love. there is just no better way to describe it.

There is a saying, that the world moves for love. It is a hopeless romantic. Deep down inside we all are. Surely the things we will do for love is enough testament. For those who have a special someone, you may know this. For those who have not a clue as to what i am saying, i beg your pardon. i'm just another raving lovelorn lunatic who will ramble on about lovey-dovey stuff, enough to make even Bambi sick.

They say you just know when you're in love. I've never felt it before, but hey, i'm not going to cry over it. When i do find true love, she will scatter my thoughts like the stars at night. She will make me stumble wherever she is, for my eyes will be drawn to her like iron is to magnet. When she speaks i will hear angels singing, and when she walks all grace will be with her, and when she smiles i can touch the heavens. When i look into her eyes i will see eternity. When i hold her hand i will know happiness. When i am with her i will not be myself. She will be perfection to me. And i promise, she will be loved.

O-kay. I don't know what made me write that but yes, that is my true love. And someday, i believe it will come true.

Because the world moves for love.

1337

2005-01-29T01:34:00.000+08:00

A simple deduction for those who know not what these four powerful numbers represent.

1337 = leet = elite

e·lite or é·lite
n. pl. elite or e·lites

A group or class of persons or a member of such a group or class, enjoying superior intellectual, social, or economic status.

As defined by www.dictionary.com. Note superior. as much as i hate superiority, it appears that there must be some form of elitism present somewhere. sadly this 'somewhere' happens to be right in our own dear country Singapore's education system.

What is every typical Singaporean's dream for their children? enrol in a good school, preferably RGS or RI or RJC or some reputable school (no, no, not neighbourhood schools! those won't do! they'll grow up to be... normal! ugh!), get good grades (oh we don't ask for much, just A*s for your PSLE and 6 points for secondary school and 4As and 2 'S' Paper distinctions for JC and a university degree at Harvard or Yale or MIT, that's all!), have good conduct (do stay away from those naughty boys, you don't know what sort of trouble they'll get you into!). Pardon my bluntness, but i doubt if many Singaporeans are going to change their ways, at least not for the next few generations, and not when it regards their precious children.

Why defend elitism? why bow to those who are deemed better than us, just because their cerebral capacities happen to surpass ours, or in some cases their ability to recite textbooks backwards? is intelligence a good judge of a person's capabilities? no, we cannot allow ourselves to be put down by anyone, especially the elites. yielding will only give way to greater oppression. its like a game of jenga. the tower doesn't fall so you see how many bricks you can remove... and you just keep removing and stacking until the tower can't take it anymore...

As much as i hate to say this, elitism must exist on certain levels. not every pupil can be the top student. not everybody can be a scholar. not everyone can handle JC life. not everyone can run a multi-million-dollar business. not everyone was meant to do great things, only to do what is right. not everyone can be a world leader, because otherwise who will the leaders lead? all that is required is for us to do what we do best, and do it well. every single person has his or her own special niche that they must fill, regardless of elitism.

We must wake up to the fact that not everyone will grow up to be a lawyer or doctor or whatever 'perfect' job we fancy. imagine a world full of lawyers. oh, sure they can keep irritating people for all eternity, but they'll be dead soon enough when they realise no one's been growing the potatoes for them, the cause being, they're all studying to become something they'll ultimately regret being.

For your information i'm not denouncing or glorifying elitism. to me it's just something that has to be there. like raspberries. and beehives. and insurance salesmen. i'm neither in the elite range nor at the bottom. call me bourgeois if you may. its one of the best places to be because you're looking at both sides.

We have to keep top institutes at the top by allowing only the elite to enter. the widespread, and unfortunately wrong, notion that everyone has to get a university degree has lowered the integrity of educational institutes. it is the belief that anyone can be brought up to university level that has brought universities down to everyone's level.

Grow up. don't get fooled into believing your life is dictated by a piece of laminated paper. studies aren't everything.

I Return...

2005-01-15T22:50:00.000+08:00

I'm back.

I have not been writing for a long time... too long.

My hiatus has lasted for almost a month now, part due to, once more, the lack of time, and also part due to a sort of pre-occupation on my part. i have been rather caught up with so many things, first a trip to Taiwan and upon my return i was swept away by Christmas and the very next day, Nature struck a reminder of her presence. then came a new year, and directly after was the desperate struggle of every singapore student, with better things to do than study, in our bid to complete tasks that, forewarned by our educators, we would most certainly have had the time to finish if we had "spent our holidays wisely". to me, studying for many a day is not my idea of productivity. i must say that i did spend my holidays wisely, although i did, in fact, still seem to find that i am once again unable to conquer that foul mound of pure disdain you would deem 'homework'. so thank you, dear teachers, for enlightening me to the fact that there are more important things than studies.

But enough about that awful topic. i have not passed through thought and mind to bandy crooked words with witless assignments. for now i must resume what i have held back for so long. my parents can only withhold so many days of cyber-freedom from me. none may stop freedom of expression! so be it, if imagination fails and collectivism becomes the thought of one and all. so be it, if everything comes to naught, when all that has been said and done falls into the oblivion of the forgotten. but woe be unto the one, who ignores the power of expression, who casts it away so lightly, who holds it back from others, as if it were a terrible thing to behold.

I return to you now... many a thought has strayed past my mind, thoughts that were once as strong as fire but now have diminished into embers, thoughts whose scents still linger to entice, and terrify, thoughts that i can still see with my waking eyes...

Yea. I'm definitely back.

Reality Check

2004-12-12T01:36:00.000+08:00

About time.

I do need a reality check. Because those who do read my blog probably know that i tend to be rather long-winded. I'd like to thank those who actually had the preserverence to read my entries to the end. You have a lot of patience. That is something to be proud of. And kudos to you if you actually understood it.

Well to be honest i started this blog with the intention of sharing my views of gresat things with you, great things we can't even begin to imagine. perhaps i had wanted to imitate some other rather interesting blogs out there that are really intellectual yet casual at the same time.

My path turned out to be quite different. I guess my tendency for long entries is because i fear misunderstanding. I believe i am too fond of simplifying things for others, but then i have a rather complicated mind, so i just end up with a long complicated entry. I kind of hate that shoot-myself-in-the-foot feeling.

Oh well what to do, what to do. I'll just keep writing. And you'll keep reading. Or not. I don't really care. But rest assured there will be another reality check for my wandering mind. I'm afraid it tends to get lost in high thoughts rather easily.

Power

2004-12-05T22:26:00.000+08:00

What force drives men to do the unspeakable?

What motive fuels the evil that resides in men's hearts?

What energy elevates men to heights of greatness, and glory?

We call it, Power. So tragic, so ominous, the tales of lust and desire and need, all for something as intangible as Power! such tragedy, for it is as it is described, intangible. to be able to grasp and hold on, is like a dream. eventually when the dream fails, the illusion lost, one is left with nothing. like hands chasing smoke, or a net catching water, so is man to power. the chase is never-ending, and the quarry, unattainable.

Why, then, do men continue to fight and die for something they will ultimately never win? why is Power still so coveted, despite its existence from eons ago? the answer, i believe, lies with the ability that Power can bestow.

The mere mention of Power evokes images of great size, dominating all around it. we associate Power with raw physical strength, although Power is by far stronger. Power comes with a backing of great numbers as well. try and imagine someone with Power. who do you see? do you see Darth Vader, with the Imperial Army at his command, and the Force to do as he wills? Do you see Alexander The Great, Conqueror of conquerors, undefeatable in battle, having the entire known world at that time bow before his feet? or perhaps the United States, with superior military strength, and great influence in every aspect of our lives?

If you are sharp enough, you will have seen the similarity they all share. not strength, not size, but control. yes, control, for Power is nothing without Control. and Control is nothing without Respect. what is Power if armies wandered aimlessly? where is the Power if the masses pursued individual interests? If Alexander The Great was not respected, would his men have listened to his commands? would they have let him control them, past Persia and into Asia, into the very unknown? would the Imperial Army have obeyed Darth Vader, if he had shown himself to be out of control? now, you may be thinking about the U.S., what respect? ah, but they have greater Power than you think, for not one day goes by without a subtle reminder of their control in our lives. fast food, computers, lawyers, all these bear testament to their Power.

Power is a fickle thing. it could take years to build respect and control, but only a moment to lose both. one false step is all it takes, to start the collapse of a house of cards... this is the undoing of many. people rise, and people fall. no one ever stays on top long enough. and when the fall comes, there will always be the dogs and scum who come thirsting for the Power to be had, so blinded by their lust for it they fail to realise that soon, it is their turn to fall.

But why do i tell you all this? why talk of Power, if there is no good to it? there is some redeeming features for Power. all that matters in determining the outcome of Power lies in the focus. those who seek Power but never even come close to touching it are those who are so focused on it, their wills totally bent upon it, that they do not see the obstacles in their way. Power is like a dream, an illusion, a mirage. you will never catch it if it becomes your focus. Power is but only a means to an end. it can only help you achieve your goal, when it takes second place to your true aim in life. as if on the edge of vision, Power becomes clearer. hence the true motive of Power is revealed to the mind.

Now, feel the Power... can you taste it? does it make you crave for more?

No?

Good.

Education

2004-11-11T21:23:00.000+08:00

Charles Dickens once wrote in his classic novel Tom Sawyer, that Tom's friend, Huckleberry Finn, would "never let schooling interfere with (his) education".

When you actually sit down to think about this, the result can be quite shocking. considering that school is supposed to be a place where we are to learn how to deal with life in the real world, much that we learn there is rather redundant. what can world war II tell us about the future, when we are so caught up in reminding ourselves about the past? why learn about the Earth, when we seem to do nothing but observe the wanton destruction taking place? why study the laws of the physical world, when we cannot explain why the sky is blue? why obsess over the precision of numbers and patterns, when we come up with something like the chaos theory to contradict ourselves? do we blindly accept the status quo, and mug through whatever syllabus the authorities deem fit? what exactly are we learning in schools?

I have a lot more to say about the present education system here, and what i say will most certainly be shared with the majority of the student populace. subjects like project work and Science Practical Assessment (SPA) seem to have very dubious objectives. are we to conjure imaginary meetings just to show the boss we are oh-so-effective in a team when we join the workforce later in our lives? are we allowed to present the board members a project on hang-gliding when the actual aim is budget deficits? is eight times the stress really necessary to prevent a screw-up? why do i feel like some kind of guinea pig? why do we learn that gravitational acceleration is 10 in secondary school, only to realise that it is a lie only in JC? why study physical geography, when the only probable job prospect for the subject is to be a population surveyor for the government? i shall refrain from saying more, because that is not my point.

Some things cannot be taught. there is a very big difference between hearing about something, and actually seeing it in its entirety. you can describe rain to an Arab, as water falling from the sky in tiny droplets, but he will never believe you, unless he witnesses it for himself. he will never understand the calm before the first droplets arrive, few and far apart, never feel the coolness of rain on his dry skin, never hear the pattering of rain on a tarred road, or on a dusty trail, or on cobbled streets, never taste the sweetness of untainted rainwater, bland yet refreshing, never see the grandeur of the relentless assault of wave upon wave of watery footmen, crashing to Earth to join the tiny rivulets of lost besiegers wandering down slopes, never smell the humididity of rain upon grass, green and earthy, never, until he experiences. because there is a difference between an astronomer and an astronaut, a scientist and an engineer, a thinker and a doer.

School cannot account for a great deal of life in the real world. no matter how close the syllabus follows, it will always fall short of its aim, because nothing save the real deal will suffice. what is learnt in schools, in the classroom, cannot, must not, come in the way of learning anything that would aid survival in the outside environment. paper qualifications prove nothing other than how well you memorise facts and figures. a test cannot judge a person's intellect, only his discipline. an exam cannot rank success, nor can it depict cleverness. and i stress cleverness, not smartness. there is a difference there. smartness is how well you can recall and apply facts. cleverness is how well you fare without facts. and trust me when i say that there are not many who can survive without facts.

The saying goes, all roads lead to Rome. school can but only endow upon us one means to an end. what that end is is entirely up to you. what i want is to take the road less travelled, or to create a whole new road, because the common road is too trite for comfort, too restrictive for novelty. let the complacent remain there. who knows, maybe i'll even find a shortcut to wherever i'm headed.

So, what have you learned today?

Dreams

2004-10-18T23:32:00.000+08:00

I have put this off for far too long...

To Ali. if you read this, know that your blog inspired it. I've thought long about dreams. too long.

Why do men dream? why do people fantasize about the parallel dimension of what could be? what does it mean to dream? what is a dream?

People use the word 'dream' without realising the power it contains. just imagine, so many famous people throughout history accomplished so much with little more than their bare hands and a dream. Bill Gates. Alfred Nobel. Mahatmas Ghandi. Napolean. Alexander. Qin Shi Huang. They would all of them be but no different from you or me except for the simple fact that there lay in their minds a dream so powerful, so wondrous, that they were compelled to achieve it.

One could see a dream as a cerebral function that can be explained by science and evolution. Several millenia ago, our ancestors developed consciousness. (see my post on Artificial Intelligence) They could, within the endless confines of their head, place themselves inside a scenario with models based on their observations. Activities like hunting and surviving a predatory attack can be 'saved' into their memory, such that when the time comes they know how to escape from a rhinoceros with a head cold.

Why am i telling you about consciousness all over again? because i believe that the brain never truly rests, even at night. The consciousness still operates, in the form of dreams. every night as the body shuts down the brain takes count of the events of that day, burning into memory key features of the day that were essential for survival, such as new sources of food and predator movement. Then the brain takes this new-found information and creates even more scenarios. such a skill has not been lost, and today we still dream, although probably not about falling off the tree you're sleeping in.

Dream-reality conjuncture? it is not impossible for dreams to seem so real that you could swear they were actually real. the brain can create several scenarios in the confines of one night. some may make sense, like dreaming about being late for school, and some may seem totally unreal, like when alien dinosaurs invaded your brain and a rogue battleship killed them all off. the possibilities for creating scenarios are limitless, and it is precisely because of this unlimited freedom that dreams seem surreal most of the time. everything depends on the accuracy of information the models are based on. but when the consciousness hits the right mark, dreams can seem so real that they can blur the line between fantasy and reality. when it hits the right mark, there is a chance that the dream could come true. and when it does, viola, you have your dream come true.

But that is only an unconscious effort to dream. men are born dreamers. it comes naturally to social creatures like us. people learn to dream of great things from a young age. whoever dreamt of becoming an astronaut when you were young? or owning a Ferarri? that is an example of a conscious effort to dream. It can be seen as a goal, a target to be set, a benchmark to reach. that dream you conjure could seem so real, so enticing, so worthwhile, that you would do everything in your power to make that dream a reality. at that point the dream's purpose is done. it is but only a motivator, created to help men do great things. if you cannot dream, you cannot be.

To everyone who reads this, if you have a dream you really want to come true, then do everything you can to make it reality. no matter how absurd or farfetched it may seem, as long as the dream is sound, then it can always come true. all it needs is a little effort on your part, beacuse only those who chase dreams are the ones who catch them.

And to that special someone, i dreamt i held your hand...

I Am, After All, Only Human

2004-09-22T22:37:00.000+08:00

Humanity.

What a strange word.

humanity

\Hu*man"i*ty\, n.; pl. Humanities. [L. humanitas: cf. F. humanit['e]. See Human.] 1. The quality of being human; the peculiar nature of man, by which he is distinguished from other beings.

Such is humanity as defined by www.dictionary.com. By which he is distinguished from other beings. If only that was true in a good sense. Go watch Dogville. It will reveal the side of human nature better kept unrevealed. Morality will be shaken. You will soon see that humanity is separated from everything else by a fine line. And you don't know when that line is going to blur...

Frankly speaking, i find that more often than not, people tend to show their true nature only when you get to know them. Sadly, sometimes the person whom you think would stick by your side is also the one who will stick a knife in your back. How vicious is it, that we pass judgment on someone the moment we see him, before we even know him, and only when we know his real character do we realise it is too late to remove the stigma? How cruel are we, to condemn and feel distaste for others just because we believe we are "superior"? That word disgusts me. Yuck. When used in that context it becomes something you would expect to find restricted in the dumpster of experimental beauty cream gone horribly awry.

How ironic is it, that in a society where we demand to be in other humans' company, we somehow remain incredulously selfish? Where we seek the constant approval of others, how can we still afford to behave uncaringly and ignorantly? How incredibly tiring is it, to just help our fellow humans a little along their way? Would it hurt to smile more, or would it tarnish that carefully crafted image of self-adoration? Think twice, nay, thrice, before you condemn others. Jokes are not a problem, but if you feel the joke as your believed perception of them, then you are just another victim of humanity. You will be just as lowly as you perceived them, because your narrowmindedness is your ultimate downfall.

Millions upon millions of humans have died, by our own hands. We have started wars against humans, persecuted and executed, wronged and oppressed, hated and jeered, punished and tormented, massacred and decimated, destroyed and annihilated. We have practically eliminated everything for the sake of ourselves, from animals to trees to insects to environments and even Earth. We have invented and discovered so many countless ways of ending lives, and yet we are selfish enough to fear mortality. God must have some sense of humour.

Now we have to ask ourselves, how humane is all that? Oh, it is very humane. only a human is capable of something like that. No other animal kills as wantonly as the human. No other creature inflicts such mental and psychological pain like the human. No other being can possess a hate for another so great. It is the peculiar nature of man, by which he is distinguished from other beings.

If humanity is a measure of our true nature, then all i can say is that we are terrific. Yes, terrific. we terrify. Beyond that which is necessary. We subjugate anything and everything, even our own kind. It is the quality of being human. It is humanity.

I will, however, always see the best in everyone, initially, because i have to believe that not every human is without hope of redemption. I'll only decide the stigma when your facade fails, and your vulnerability, your humanity, by which you are distinguished from other beings, is laid bare for judgment. If you are so intent on practising the dark side of humanity, then i will show you how humane i can be. I am, after all, only human.

Depression

2004-09-13T23:20:00.000+08:00

I cannot always explain why i feel the way i feel. this must be one of those times. how can i seek to bring understanding to others if i cannot understand myself? it is one of the unfathomables. perhaps i was never meant to understand myself. sometimes we need others to point out things about ourselves that we somehow fail to see.

Maybe that is the reason why i am in such a deep blue funk that i cannot seem to shake. the one person i am looking for, the one who can decipher, who can unravel my twisted mind, is the one that i just cannot seem to find. so perrenially confused am i. everytime i think i have found that special person it turns out to be another dead end, a cut-off, a sheer cliff face that i cannot scale or am about to fall off.

Why do i inflict such torment and abuse on myself? what do i hope to achieve by doing this? when will this suffering end? more unfathomables. more are always appearing faster than i can figure out the answer. such is the myterious way of Life.

Depression. jealousy. rage. random acts of violence. voyeurism. vagabond lifestyle. marauding. wanton destruction. thoughts of heroism unattainable. deafening silence. suppressed screams. pent-up hatred. futility. inevitability. destiny. extremism. dystopia. utopia lost and found. fantasy. reality. fight or flight. everything or nothing. ignorance. transparency. ubiquity. ominosity. virtuosity. collateral. one or all. damage unrefutable. pain eternal. wounds so deep they never show. chaos. terrific terror. Life hereafter. Death demystified.

All these deranged thoughts playing in my head over and over and over like a broken recorder stuck at the track of insanity, leeching whatever rationalism i hold so dear. if only you understood. would Life be any different if you knew? would anything change, or would it be the same threesome of me, myself and i once more. not that it matters. i've never had anyone who understood. no one probably will. so be it. it looks like it is best to leave me be, and detonate along with the rest of my sorry existence.

Don't follow me. i chose this path a long time ago. be it a gift or a curse, you deserve better. expression is not one of my more outstanding qualities. so be it. it is my choice. my decision.

Life. As You See Fit.

2004-09-03T22:33:00.000+08:00

It appears that everywhere i look, there is always one thing that keeps coming back to me. Everyone i know seems to hate it in one way or the other. If not then they're just plain pissed at it. They hate Life, or the lack of it. Life sucks, they say. JC life sucks, they say. Might as well just exist through it, right? After all, it's only two years, yes?

Wrong. Maybe people hate Life because it's just so damn boring. Maybe it's because Life isn't what people think it should be, or could be, or would be. Maybe it's because others are making Life so unbearable and hopeless. Maybe it's because of a million little miseries internal and intangible. Maybe it's bigger than that. Maybe there's just so many things people want to do but just can't and it really wants to make them scream and explode and obliterate the rest of this sorry world along with them. I could come up with a million more Maybes, but i'll let you fill in the blanks.

I don't know who reads this, or who i'm trying to impress, or even if i can impress in the first place. I'm not seeking to change anyone's point of view to my own, just as long as you read this, my work here is done. I don't know so many things it's frightening. All i know is that i'm tired of seeing people put others down by putting themselves down.

I'm no shrink(psychiatrist, for those who don't know), i'm no prophet, i'm no saint, i'm no philosopher, i'm no expert on Life management, i'm no motivational speaker. I'm so many Nos i can't even begin to count. If you think i'm way over my head in this then thank you for thinking so. Frankly speaking i don't even consider myself that worthy. But what i can tell you, is that despite all the Nots i am, there is one thing i am certain of. I am one of You. And You are one of Me. I may not be like You, and You may not be like Me, or maybe You don't even like Me, but whatever it is, You are not Alone. Because Everyone Else is going through the same shit as You, and Me.

Is it not ironic, that the very thing we hate is the one thing that is giving us the ability to do so? Why have Life, if the recepients are the ones who wish they never had it in the first place? Why not kill every single damn sod on the face of this Earth and let the monkeys and gorillas and chimpanzees rule, and let any intelligent Life out there lament at the realisation that they are truly all alone in the whole Universe?

Because Life is not all that it's cut out to be. Not everything about Life is perfect, yes, but neither is everything about Life full of crap. I don't know why people are born pessimists. Everything about people is about the bad stuff. They tend to remember the stumbles more than the truimphs. Anything that really holds a place in people's minds are all the bad memories. WHY? Time to wake up and pull your face out of that pile of shit. Stop wallowing in self-pity. Smell the flowers, or stomp on them, or eat them for all i care, whatever takes your fancy.

Holmes once said, "Life is painting a picture, not doing a sum." As long as you are doing what you want to do, and not what you are expected to do, then Life is one step closer to becoming all that better. Life is not about following others. It's about following yourself. If you feel that you need a break, then for God's sake, take a break. You aren't going to do any better chugging through two years in JC. For all you know, you may have stayed on the right track but taken the wrong train.

Its about Time to make things better for yourself. So go ahead, Life's waiting for you to happen.

The Spirit of Sport

2004-08-30T21:07:00.000+08:00

It is, perhaps, a rather peculiar thing, that i write on the Olympic Games at the end of it all. But like all things, there is a reason for doing so. We have gone through the Games, some of us sharing in the ups and downs, the cheers and screams, some of us just existed through the duration, scarcely aware of its existence. Whatever it may have been, we have all experienced the Games, in all its enormity and grandeur. We have rooted for Ronald Susilo and Li Jiawei, even if some don't regard them as Singaporean. Our spirits rose when Susilo beat world number one Lin Dan (Come on, admit it) and sank as North Korea defeated Li, aggravated ever more by those absurd yelps that put in mind a dog which has just had an encounter with an unsuccessful neutering attempt of the first degree. Yea, i hate you too. You and your little bumpkin country.

Even if unconsciously, i am sure that all of us have felt that sensation of excitement and adrenalin that only sport can arouse. For those who don't know, the Olympics were originally, in a way, designed to prepare Greek soldiers for war a long time ago. Athletics, wrestling, javelin throwing... these were common events at that time, and competitors were expected to excel at it. It is a strange fate then, is it not, that the preparation surpassed the event in importance and greatness? Perhaps not. Sport is the perfect substitute for war, after all. The same desire to dominate is satiated just as effectively, if not better. Such is the power of sport.

"The greatest moment, takes place before the gun even fires, when for a moment, no country is bigger or smaller, greater or lesser. That is the Olympic moment." - Nelson Mandela, in an advertisement for the Games. How so very true. Sport equalizes countries and people better than what dear Karl Marx could have thought of. You never know when the underdog will truimph. That unpredictability makes it all the more exciting, because anything can and will happen. That is what keeps people coming back year after year after year.

"You would not have the essence (of the Games), until you understand, that the greatest muscle, is the heart." - Andrea Bocelli, in another advertisement. Very insightful. Sportsmanship is the key to any sporting event. You can clap for the victors, but you will clap for the losers as well, because at the end of the day, be it a good or a bad show, you are applauding their effort, and not just their results. The competitor that stumbles, but gets back on his feet to complete the race, no matter how hurt he is, gets more applause than the one who actually wins the event. That is true sportsmanship. That is the essence of the Games.

What is it, that makes us cheer with the victorious? What is it, that makes us groan for the shortcomings of others? what is it, that makes us sympathize for the defeated? What is it, that lifts our hearts so high? What is it, that makes us hold our breath in anticipation? What is it, that slows down Time, just for that Olympic moment?

It is that sense of wonderment, that feeling of greatness, that rising tide of ecstasy, that celebration of preserverence, that show of determination...

That, my friends, is the Spirit of Sport.

My Day

2004-08-19T23:55:00.000+08:00

It's that time of year again. You spend all your time waiting for it to arrive, and when it does it's suddenly all over. Kind of like a very good sneeze.

I will never fully comprehend the idea behind the birthday. It is nice to feel special for a day, but why stop there? As far as I'm concerned, as long as you can find something about yourself to be proud of, every day is a birthday. Perhaps that is the underlying reason why birthdays do not excite me as much as they used to.

There is a saying, "You learn something new every day." But after a substantial number of days I think the extension "And forget two old things." can be applied. Young people embrace birthdays, adults seem to hate it, and the elderly tend to forget about it. Why do people celebrate birthdays? Could it be a celebration of Life? A declaration of some sort? Or maybe a way of telling others that there are people who do care? Or just a good way to get a treat?

I believe that birthdays are a wake up call. Sometimes people are so engrossed with their daily lives that they need others to remind them to take it easy. At other times it serves as a reorientation point for those who have lost their direction in Life, giving them an opportunity to determine where their goals lie.

And so it has come to this. Here I am at the end of the day, pondering over the day that was mine, and still I have not made my birthday wish. Hmmm... I think I'll make one now. I'm not going to tell you what it is, but you may very well find out soon enough.

And one more thing. Happy birthday to me.

Time

2004-08-16T22:21:00.000+08:00

Time. I am short of Time. As usual. All my thought is bent on it, but it's just what i can't get. Every day is an eternal struggle with Time, and every day i lose, all over again. I am sick of it. Yet there is nothing i can do to stop it. Time is my nemesis. Undefeatable. Enduring. Dominating.

Time is on nobody's side. Because nobody's on Time's side. Everyone's racing against Time, but somehow Time always seems to be winning. So many ways to describe Time, a flowing river sweeping all aside, sand slipping away from your very grasp, a wheel spinning a tale ancient and eternal, defeater of civilisations, rock breaker, king killer, wound healer, the Fourth Dimension, hours, minutes, seconds... The list goes on.

It is, perhaps, because of Time that my predicament exists. The limitation of Time forces a choice, one that i would rather not make. My actions, my thoughts, my decisions, all dictated by the tyranny of Time. Time is an everlasting resource that is in a constant state of shortage. It never stops for anyone or anything. It is one of the few things that can actually elude Man's endless need for subjugation. It is wild, free, untamed, yet unyielding to the demands of Man, hence Man is fascinated by Time. We have racked our brains on how to capture Time, how to manipulate it through technology, so that we may pass through it like a fabric right out of the Universe itself, or journey forwards and backwards like a Time machine. But for all our ingenuity, we can never understand the fact that Time is given, not taken. The allure of the unattainable is just too much of a temptation.

Life and Time are one. Without Time, Life cannot take place. And Time is defined only when there is Life. In essence, Time is a medium for Life. Every moment happens only because there is a passing of Time. It is a gift and a curse. It brings wonders like the Great Pyramids, and leaves us begging for more. But the more we want it, the more it disappears, until at last our need for it grows so great that it consumes us.

A wise man once said, "So do all who wish to see such times, but that is not for us to decide. All we can decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." Wise words. Time is given, not taken. We look for Time in all the wrong places, when all we actually need is just the Time spent looking for it. Time is fascinating. It is always there but never around when you're looking for it. And now, it is Time for me to leave you with your thoughts. It is Time for you to figure out where your Time is. It is Time for everyone to know. It is Time...

Faces

2004-08-05T22:28:00.000+08:00

Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every second. I see them. And you see them as well. Question is, do you acknowledge them? I will hazard a 'yes' to that. Because I cannot ignore them, and so can't you. Every waking moment there is one in my face. Heck, my face IS one of them. It is the first thing i see in the morning, when I'm staring into the mirror and wondering "Goodness. Is this me? Doesn't look like me. Wait, it is me. Damn." Such is the ugly face of reality. There. another one. Faces. See them, but don't know them, yet i know what they are. Lost? Enlightenment awaits.

Perhaps monotony is the cause. Day in, day out, same old, same old. Wake up. School happens. Slumber. Perhaps not so for others, where school comes in the form of work. But the principle is sound. And the same monotony applies for any country's pawn in the endless worldwide game of Economic Domination. Not that the game will ever end. But enough digression. In the course of monotony it is inevitable that some paths will cross. Even if it is but for a brief moment, a brief moment repeated an infinite amount of times would still constitute a rooted memory. And every day, the same faces. Faces I know, that i can recall, yet i don't know the person the face belongs to. There is no name there. No identity.

Then there are the other faces. The ones I've met before, were separated from, and by some ironic twisted fate, mashed together again. Faces i remember long ago, with names i can vaguely recall. I wonder if they feel the same about me. Yes, I remember you. The queston is, do you remember me? When our eyes lock gazes what do you do? Turn away? Or give the Knowing Look? Perhaps they don't want to remember me. Whatever. The feeling is mutual.

Finally there is one last face that I must come to terms with. Papercut by Linkin Park will explain it. The face that is right beneath my skin. The face that everyone has and which no one ever wants to see.The face of the dark side... But if there is one thing about faces that we must all learn, its this: Face your fears, and you will find that they will become much easier to overcome.

Artificial Conscience

2004-07-30T22:48:00.000+08:00

Anyone who has watched I, Robot and understood it would applaud Sir Isaac Asimov for his definitive work. I certainly do. I find his concepts a real eye-opener.

The fundamental basis for the villian's actions is a logical deduction. Yes, it is undeniable logic, that humans are a danger to ourselves, hence we must be protected from ourselves, but if there is one thing V.I.K.I. did not factor in, it is that we humans are responsible for ourselves, just as cats, dogs, birds and every other living being has the same responsibility for their own species' survival.

Asimov's concept of robotic conscience is wonderful. He suggests that robots evolved a conscience. The chaos that is life most certainly seems to have found its way into Asimov's robots. But it is not entirely fiction. To evolve is to learn. and we have to learn to evolve. If a robot, or any being for that matter, has the capability to learn, then, for a given period of time, it must have evolved.

The goal of evolution is to improve. And one of the most fundamental concepts of working towards improvement is that you will never know what will come next. To ensure continual survival, a being capable of evolution will have to evolve a system, a standard form of problem-solving. We call this system the consciousness.

What is consciousness? It is that sense of self-awareness, that ability to place oneself inside the context that there is a world, and that world contains you. We can liken the consciousness to a simulation programme. There is you, and then your brain adds in all forms of possibilities that it can think of, trying to create as many scenarios as it can. Then it acts out the scenario, predicting, based on its knowledge of oneself, whatever it is we would do in such a situation. This is an effective method of survival, because when you meet an angry bull, you already know what you want to do.

but the consciousness is only a primitive system. The system that we have today is called the conscience. But what is a conscience? Even till today we cannot determine exactly which part of our brain our conscience resides. The conscience that you know is the one that has a little voice and goes something like: "you haven't completed your tutorials. You should really do them." I believe that is not the true purpose of a conscience. A conscience goes a step further by anticipating which scenario is the most important, and then setting your mind on accomplishing that task, instead of waiting for it to happen.

A robot can be described in pretty much the same way. If a robot is assumed to be intelligent enough to learn independently, then it can evolve, hence it will develop a consciousness. The unique robot Sonny is at the stage of consciousness. He questions his existence and the presence of dreams (i will delve into that area at a later date). And after consciousness comes the conscience. The development of free will, and of initiative, to make your own future. Thus the creation of artificial conscience.

It is the only logical conclusion. And my logic is undeniable.

Illusions

2004-07-22T22:35:00.000+08:00

Contrary to popular belief, the biggest illusions occur not when you close your eyes, but when you open them. From the moment your eyes see, the illusion begins. To understand this, we must understand how the brain renders sight.

The brain works by deciphering bits of information transmitted by electrical signals, sent from all over the body. In the case of sight, electrical signals from the eyes are picked up by the brain and converted into an image. All that you learnt in primary and secondary school science about light falling on the eyes and forming an image is only the tip of the iceberg. But ever wondered, what's next? The image is broken down into electrical signals that the brain receives, and inside that skull of ours it reforms that image. That much we can deduce ourselves.

Now the interesting part. The image that the brain forms is incomplete. Instead, it fills in whatever your eyes failed to pick up. All human eyes have a blind spot in the retina, usually the center, because there are no receptors on that part. For this reason, the eye fails to pick up certain spots in the image we see. Try some simple tests here. http://faculty.washington.edu/chudler/chvision.html The brain corrects for these errors by assuming whatever should be there, so now the overall image is one concocted by your brain. Just imagine, the very words you see here are partially made up.

And to top it all off, your brain actually has the power to decide what you see. Have you ever wandered into someone or something because you were not paying attention? In an experiment, people were asked for their full concentration to count the number of times a black ball was passed between a few people, all wearing the same coloured attire, in a simple ball game involving two balls, a white one and a black one. At the end of the experiment, they were asked if they saw the gorilla walking by. Almost all said they had not seen any gorilla. To prove that there was one, a video that recorded the entire experiment was immediately shown to them, to prevent any claims of altering the footage. The video revealed that during the course of the experiment, a man in a monkey suit had walked in between the players and stood there waving for a few minutes before walking off again. What does this show? That we only see what our brain wants us to see.

(more points to ponder) A cat seen through a pickled fence is not seen as slices of a cat but a whole cat. A driver engaged in a phone conversation looks round the corner but fails to see the cyclist. (now you know why never to distract the driver.) More information about sight here. http://www.girevikmagazine.com/Girevik/Fourth/eyesight.htm

Sight. The biggest illusion of all. Because what you see is not what you get...

The Past

2004-07-19T21:40:00.000+08:00

I have been haunted of late.

Not many days ago, i was haunted by a sight i thought i could put away for a long, long time. Then just today, a trip home with a friend stirred it up again. Memories. Painful. Clawing. Regretful. Desired. Conflicting. Tormenting. Haunting. Memories of her.

The past is an uncanny predator. It lets itself sink into the deep of consiousness, then when you least expect it, it springs from the depths, like an ancient shark full of vengeance, tearing and ripping till you have no more rational thoughts left, save those haunting visions. Visions so vivid they entice, and terrify, but they never go away... Much like a bee sting. You may have removed the bee, but the sting remains...

It seemed that it was not so long ago when i first saw her. But six months should have been more than enough to forget. And i would have, if not for today. Why do people fear the past? Because it arouses feelings, sometimes bad ones, that they would rather not experience again. Why do i fear the past? I know not. Perhaps it reminds me of my foolishness.

Wherever she has gone to, i hope it's a better place. I hope i don't have to see her again anytime soon. I've got other things on my mind. People other than her. I can't waste my time longing for something i know i'll never have.

The past is something i'd like to forget. This past, at any rate. With time, and some help, i'm sure i will.

Beginnings

2004-07-17T20:21:00.000+08:00

Beginnings are scary. You always have the fear of starting something new, especially if no one has ever done it before. There is the fear of failure, the fear of ruining everything. But beginnings are essential. Either through free will or force, we all have to begin somewhere. An ever-changing world demands an ever-changing people, and change only comes about with new beginnings. Brave were the pioneers of old, and brave are the pioneers now. Why do we consider them brave? Because they knew that somewhere out there lay something better, and they had the courage to face up to their fear of the new, and forge new beginnings, be it in life, or science, or the arts.

Beginnings are mixed with a sense of fear and awe. They terrify you at times, but always draw you ever so closer, because somehow you know that beyond the shroud of uncertainty lies opportunity. For me, a new beginning has come. I have a world to discover, and through my eyes, you will see it the way i do...